Defenders query letter
Jul. 9th, 2012 01:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
holliSo, I'm not sure how many of you were around when I wrote a YA novel at the end of 2010, but: I wrote a YA novel at the end of 2010! And I am currently taking another pass at it. This includes rewriting my query letter, which I was never very happy with. Here's the current version, and I'd love any commentary anyone can offer:
Leah Archer loves stories. Fantasy, sci-fi, historical fiction-- she gobbles down every book she can get her hands on, and is never so happy as when she’s in another world. And her favorite stories are about people who turn out to be special, who are chosen, who make a difference in the world.
But then Leah, her friends, and her bratty kid sister perform an accidental spell that summons an unconscious man in a golden crown to Leah’s suburban living room. Suddenly Leah finds that magic is real, that there’s another world bumping shoulders with her own-- and that there are such things as chosen, special people. Only she’s not one of them.
Her sister Leslie, on the other hand, is. Leah and Leslie travel to a strange and distant kingdom, trapped in a ten-year winter, to rescue Leah’s kidnapped friend. Along the way, Leah must learn to cope with not being the magical one. But she won’t settle for being a bit player in someone else’s story. She’s determined to find a way to make a difference, no matter what destiny has to say about it.
DEFENDERS OF THE CROWN is a completed 50,000-word young adult novel, featuring a genre-savvy protagonist thrown into a world of magic and danger where things never turn out the way she’s expecting.
eta: Aaaaaand new version(s)
Dear [agent],
Leah Archer is sixteen, and loves stories. She gobbles up every book she can get her hands on, and is never so happy as when she’s in another world. Her favorite stories are about people who turn out to be special, who are chosen, who make a difference in the world-- the kinds of people she dreams of being.
But then Leah, her friends, and her bratty kid sister perform an accidental spell that summons an unconscious man with a golden crown to Leah’s suburban living room. Suddenly Leah finds that magic is real, that there’s another world bumping shoulders with her own, and that there are such things as chosen, special people. Only she’s not one of them.
Her sister Leslie, on the other hand, is. As a result of their misfired spell, Leah and Leslie travel to a strange and distant kingdom, trapped in a ten-year winter, to rescue Leah’s kidnapped friend. Along the way, Leah must learn to cope with not being the magical one. But she won’t settle for being a bit player in someone else’s story. She’s determined to find a way to make a difference, no matter what destiny has to say about it.
DEFENDERS OF THE CROWN is a 50,000-word young adult novel. My short stories have appeared in Strange Horizons and Daily Science Fiction, and will soon be featured in Orson Scott Card’s Intergalactic Medicine Show.
Thanks for reading,
[me]
Attempt #3! This one doesn't bury the lede as much:
Leah Archer loves stories where people turn out to be special, chosen, or important, but she knows they’re not real-- until it turns out they are. Just not for her. Her bratty kid sister is the one with the magic powers and special destiny, and the unfairness of it all is driving her nuts.
When an accidental spell misfires, one of Leah’s friends is kidnapped to a strange and faraway kingdom. Her sister’s powers will help her rescue her friend, but the more she embraces her magic, the farther she’s pulled from Leah. Meanwhile, Leah must learn to cope with not being the magical one.
On their journey through a land caught in a ten-year winter, Leah can’t shake the feeling that she’s nothing more than set dressing in someone else’s story. But she won’t settle for being a bit player. She’s determined to find a way to make a difference, no matter what destiny has to say about it.
DEFENDERS OF THE CROWN is a 50,000-word young adult novel. My short stories have appeared in Strange Horizons and Daily Science Fiction, and will soon be featured in Orson Scott Card’s Intergalactic Medicine Show.
Aaand the version I think I'm happiest with:
Leah Archer wishes more than anything that she were a special person, a chosen person, magically destined to make a difference in the world. The kind of person she reads about.
She's not. Her bratty little sister is. And the unfairness of it all is driving her nuts.
After helping to cast an accidental spell, one of Leah's friends is kidnapped away to a kingdom caught in a ten-year winter, and Leah and her sister mount a rescue mission. It'd be the fantasy adventure of Leah's dreams-- except it’s dangerous, and scary, and cold. Except that if her sister embraces the magical heritage Leah would give anything to have, Leah might lose her forever.
Leah can’t shake the feeling that she’s nothing more than set dressing in someone else’s story. But she’s determined to find a way to make a difference, no matter what destiny has to say about it.
DEFENDERS OF THE CROWN is a 50,000-word young adult novel. My short stories have appeared in Strange Horizons and Daily Science Fiction, and will soon be featured in Orson Scott Card’s Intergalactic Medicine Show.
Leah Archer loves stories. Fantasy, sci-fi, historical fiction-- she gobbles down every book she can get her hands on, and is never so happy as when she’s in another world. And her favorite stories are about people who turn out to be special, who are chosen, who make a difference in the world.
But then Leah, her friends, and her bratty kid sister perform an accidental spell that summons an unconscious man in a golden crown to Leah’s suburban living room. Suddenly Leah finds that magic is real, that there’s another world bumping shoulders with her own-- and that there are such things as chosen, special people. Only she’s not one of them.
Her sister Leslie, on the other hand, is. Leah and Leslie travel to a strange and distant kingdom, trapped in a ten-year winter, to rescue Leah’s kidnapped friend. Along the way, Leah must learn to cope with not being the magical one. But she won’t settle for being a bit player in someone else’s story. She’s determined to find a way to make a difference, no matter what destiny has to say about it.
DEFENDERS OF THE CROWN is a completed 50,000-word young adult novel, featuring a genre-savvy protagonist thrown into a world of magic and danger where things never turn out the way she’s expecting.
eta: Aaaaaand new version(s)
Dear [agent],
Leah Archer is sixteen, and loves stories. She gobbles up every book she can get her hands on, and is never so happy as when she’s in another world. Her favorite stories are about people who turn out to be special, who are chosen, who make a difference in the world-- the kinds of people she dreams of being.
But then Leah, her friends, and her bratty kid sister perform an accidental spell that summons an unconscious man with a golden crown to Leah’s suburban living room. Suddenly Leah finds that magic is real, that there’s another world bumping shoulders with her own, and that there are such things as chosen, special people. Only she’s not one of them.
Her sister Leslie, on the other hand, is. As a result of their misfired spell, Leah and Leslie travel to a strange and distant kingdom, trapped in a ten-year winter, to rescue Leah’s kidnapped friend. Along the way, Leah must learn to cope with not being the magical one. But she won’t settle for being a bit player in someone else’s story. She’s determined to find a way to make a difference, no matter what destiny has to say about it.
DEFENDERS OF THE CROWN is a 50,000-word young adult novel. My short stories have appeared in Strange Horizons and Daily Science Fiction, and will soon be featured in Orson Scott Card’s Intergalactic Medicine Show.
Thanks for reading,
[me]
Attempt #3! This one doesn't bury the lede as much:
Leah Archer loves stories where people turn out to be special, chosen, or important, but she knows they’re not real-- until it turns out they are. Just not for her. Her bratty kid sister is the one with the magic powers and special destiny, and the unfairness of it all is driving her nuts.
When an accidental spell misfires, one of Leah’s friends is kidnapped to a strange and faraway kingdom. Her sister’s powers will help her rescue her friend, but the more she embraces her magic, the farther she’s pulled from Leah. Meanwhile, Leah must learn to cope with not being the magical one.
On their journey through a land caught in a ten-year winter, Leah can’t shake the feeling that she’s nothing more than set dressing in someone else’s story. But she won’t settle for being a bit player. She’s determined to find a way to make a difference, no matter what destiny has to say about it.
DEFENDERS OF THE CROWN is a 50,000-word young adult novel. My short stories have appeared in Strange Horizons and Daily Science Fiction, and will soon be featured in Orson Scott Card’s Intergalactic Medicine Show.
Aaand the version I think I'm happiest with:
Leah Archer wishes more than anything that she were a special person, a chosen person, magically destined to make a difference in the world. The kind of person she reads about.
She's not. Her bratty little sister is. And the unfairness of it all is driving her nuts.
After helping to cast an accidental spell, one of Leah's friends is kidnapped away to a kingdom caught in a ten-year winter, and Leah and her sister mount a rescue mission. It'd be the fantasy adventure of Leah's dreams-- except it’s dangerous, and scary, and cold. Except that if her sister embraces the magical heritage Leah would give anything to have, Leah might lose her forever.
Leah can’t shake the feeling that she’s nothing more than set dressing in someone else’s story. But she’s determined to find a way to make a difference, no matter what destiny has to say about it.
DEFENDERS OF THE CROWN is a 50,000-word young adult novel. My short stories have appeared in Strange Horizons and Daily Science Fiction, and will soon be featured in Orson Scott Card’s Intergalactic Medicine Show.
